Dearest Dr. Beardface,
Well, the time has come to say goodbye. Matt and I are shaving you not because we don’t love you, or because we haven’t had fun together; it’s simply for a great cause.
You see, we’ve offered you up to the Peace Corps’ Gender and Diversity Committee as a fundraiser. The volunteers are going to vote on your future with their hard-earned lei. Will you become a fu manchu? Will you become some weird shape like stars or someone’s initials or lightning bolts? Will you become mutton chops? Or a chinstrap? Only time will tell.
But let’s stop talking about the future for a minute. Let’s take some time to reflect on the past, on everything you’ve been to Matt and me.
You have so expertly connected Matt’s hair to the rest of me, then back around again to the other part of Matt’s hair.
You have outed Matt. The world now knows that he is a Ginger. He fought it, but because of your courage, he has accepted it and wears it proudly, just like you.
You have given Matt something to scratch at all times.
You have kept me warm and dry from the wind, cold and rain.
You are the world’s greatest sunblock.
To the parts around my mouth, you have ensured that Matt never eats or drinks alone, and you have so often selflessly held on to the leftovers so he could enjoy them later.
To the tips, you’ve been with us since the beginning, old friends, and we won’t soon forget it.
To the roots, you’re new here, but that doesn’t mean you’re any less a part of this. Listen to what the tips say, but don’t be afraid to go your own way.
To the mustache part, don’t let the world’s Movember movement make you feel like less of a mustache. You are still a mustache at heart, and a brilliant one. Let your light shine. Also, although you make it impossible for Matt to itch my nose by sticking out my chin and bottom lip and blowing upward, we know you did it with the best of intentions, even if we don’t know them.
Finally, to all the parts, let us not forget that we are one, that our whole is better than any sum of our parts could ever be.
You will be missed.
Sincerely, Matt’s Face
PS: See you in a couple weeks.